


monsters at night

by Lavende



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bartender Andrew Minyard, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Former Neil/Riko, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of abuse, Portrayal of self-destructive tendencies, Self-Esteem Issues, Toxic Relationship, Translator Neil Josten, andrew will help him no worries, believe me the andreil is in there, neil is called nathaniel in it for a reason ty, roommates andrew and neil, same triggers as aftg as a general thing, support system
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:42:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28773294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavende/pseuds/Lavende
Summary: It’s 10 p.m.It’s 10 p.m and there is no new message from Riko, none. Who cares if he promised Nathaniel he would call him after work? Not his boyfriend, it seems, because he didn’t even deserve a simple message.It’s 10 p.m. and Nathaniel hates when this happens at night. At night, in the darkness of his bedroom, only surrounded by the light from his cellphone screen, everything feels worse.It’s when he allows himself to feel lonely and regrets, again and again, all the choices he has made in life. It’s when he knows how pathetic he is, but can’t help but wish for a single message to pop on his screen. It’s when his breathing starts picking up even when he doesn’t want it to.(Basically, Nathaniel's process as he finally escapes an unhealthy relationship and learns to breathe, with Andrew at his side.)
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Riko Moriyama
Comments: 18
Kudos: 256





	monsters at night

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello, I didn't expect my longest fic in a while to be this but here we gooooo. This is inspired by this song if ever you want to check it out: [monsters (feat. blackbear) by All Time Low](https://open.spotify.com/track/0tyR7Bu9P086aWBFZ4QJoo?si=0y2N9GX4QZ-3u044ZUoG6w)  
> 

It’s 10 p.m. 

It’s 10 p.m and there is no new message from Riko, none. Who cares if he promised Nathaniel he would call him after work? Definitely not his boyfriend, it seems, because he didn’t even deserve a simple message. 

It’s 10 p.m. and Nathaniel hates when this happens at night. At night, in the darkness of his bedroom, only surrounded by the light from his cellphone screen, everything feels worse. 

It’s when he allows himself to feel lonely and regrets, again and again, all the choices he has made in life. It’s when he knows how pathetic he is, but can’t help but wish for a single message to pop on his screen. It’s when his breathing starts picking up even when he doesn’t want it to.

Nathaniel has no reason to feel so bad, and it’s not like Riko truly owes him anything, really. 

His hand starts hitching from the inside from pent up energy; he wants to hit something or someone. Someone might be a better option because it means the other person would hit him back. Nathaniel is suddenly craving the pain that would come with it, and maybe if he gets bruised enough, Riko will ask about it.

Maybe. It happens sometimes. 

Quickly, Nathaniel gets up from his bed, ignoring how his vision gets blurry for a second. 

His heart truly is beating too fast.

Grabbing the white shirt he's wearing by the hem, he pulls it off and picks up one of his black shirts from the floor. Blood won’t show as easily on it; Nathaniel was arrested often enough because of visible blood on his clothes. Sometimes even by his father’s men, which isn’t something he tries to do often as getting his father’s attention isn’t a thing he fancies. 

With the last remains of hope he has left, Nathaniel picks up his phone and wishes to see a new message. When there isn’t any new notification, Nathaniel still opens the conversation.

_Are you done?  
9:22 pm_

As expected, there is nothing that follows his message so he shoves the device in his back pocket and heads outside of his bedroom. The lights are off in the rest of the apartment and there is no light filtering under his roommate’s door.

Andrew is probably out with Renee or working, that’s usually what he does on Friday nights. Nathaniel can’t recall which one it is tonight, not that it matters right now. It’s good if Andrew isn’t here, he won’t try to keep him home. 

The silence quickly becomes too much for Nathaniel’s restless mind, but he broke his last pair of functioning earbuds earlier this week when he threw his phone at Riko’s face; the pair had still been attached to the phone and Riko had stepped on them in retaliation. 

With a glance at his roommate’s door, Nathaniel quickly decides to get in there and borrow one of Andrew’s pairs. Since he has been composing music recently, Andrew bought way too many different pairs until he found the perfect ones for whatever he wanted. 

As he enters, Nathaniel realises he never really goes in Andrew’s room except when he’s been invited in, and guilt finds a quiet place in his stomach, but it’s not strong enough for him to go out again without the required item. The room is bland, with white walls, music equipment and some books on the floor and at the edge of the bed. Andrew never was someone for decorating. 

Fortunately, Nathaniel remembers in which drawer the earbuds are kept and he picks up the only one he finds familiar enough to borrow.

Even before getting out again, Nathaniel puts the earbuds in his ears and quickly plugs them into his phone. From the many playlists he has saved on Spotify, he picks the one called _monsters at night_ , the one he usually listens to when he needs rock and metalcore to fill every bit of his mind until he forgets to think and feel. 

It doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a shot. 

Closing his eyes for a second as he presses play, he lets a sigh of relief leave his lips at the first chords. His heart is still beating too fast and his fists are still craving violence, but it’s fine.

Everything is fine.

Now in the entrance, Nathaniel puts on the black coat Riko bought for him a year ago. It still smells slightly like his perfume, probably from all the kissing they did against Riko’s front door two days ago. The simple scent twists his insides and it doesn’t take more than 2 minutes for Nathaniel to be out the door, head filled with music and one clear goal in mind.

***

The dark alley is cold, which is a welcome fact considering how warm Nathaniel feels now. Tonguing the inside of his left cheek, he winces slightly as pain blossoms in it and a metallic taste fills his mouth. 

Spitting blood on the ground is also painful, but he basks in the feeling and the relief it brings him. 

Nathaniel didn’t expect to walk far enough to reach Eden’s Twilight, the club Andrew works at, but it doesn’t matter, it was even easier to pick a fight there. With all the people around, smoking while intoxicated, it’s effortless to find someone searching for trouble among them. Choosing who to start a fight with had been simple; a guy slightly taller than Nathaniel but of similar build had been harassing a very uninterested girl, and the obvious discomfort on her face hadn’t sat well with Nathaniel. 

The guy wasn’t bad at all, but Nathaniel had been trained to fight, which became painfully obvious after a minute or two. Still, he made sure to let some of the guy’s punches land on him, unwilling to get out of this without blood and bruises. He didn’t go through the hassle of starting this for nothing.

It’s the bouncer who ended up splitting the fight, recognition noticeable in his eyes. Nathaniel wonders if he went to tell Andrew, if his roommate is working tonight. 

Who cares though?

It’s not Andrew’s disappointment he’s after, not that he thinks Andrew would think anything of it. 

Really, who cares about Nathaniel most of the time? 

Annoyed at his returning thoughts, he brings his red fingers to his face, pressing against his painful jaw. There is warm liquid, blood, running on them. He probably got a cut on his cheekbone, which would explain the burning sensation. 

His right cheek and the side of his jaw hurt, and pain is also slowly taking place in some of his ribs and his stomach; he got some good punches. Hopefully, the result will be apparent in the next few days. 

Yeah, hopefully. As if this wish isn’t pathetic. 

Pushing himself away from the wall, Nathaniel picks up the borrowed earbuds from his pocket, plugging them again in his phone and choosing the same playlist. There are two new notifications on his phone from Kevin and Matt, but he isn’t in the mood to read the second one. The only reason he pays attention to the first one is because Kevin may be with Riko right now. 

_He went to bed.  
1:13 AM_

Right, of course. 

_idc  
1:28 AM_

This is far from the truth, but it’s not like he will let Kevin see inside his head more than that. Growing up with him already gives him enough access to the type of thoughts going around in Nathaniel’s head, and Nathaniel prefers them like that, suppositions; he doesn’t want Kevin to know he’s probably right.

He’s about to leave and go back to his place when someone blocks the alley exit. With the light behind her, the only thing Nathaniel can say at first is that it’s probably a girl, slightly taller than him. When his eyes adjust to the lighting, it’s her hair that betrays her.

White, with colours at the bottom.

“What is it, Renee?” Nathaniel asks his roommate’s best friend. He isn’t in the mood to talk. If she’s beside Eden’s, it means Andrew is also there somewhere. 

Even in the dark, the slow smile blooming on her lips is easy to recognize. He could probably spit at her feet and she would still find a way to be nice to him. This is something he hates; Nathaniel doesn’t understand why she does it. It doesn’t feel genuine, and he can’t understand how Andrew stands it. 

Well, not that Renee is all bad, they already spent some good time together, but right now he isn’t in the mood for fake pity. 

There is only one person he wishes would care about this all and he apparently went to bed. 

To hear the answer, Nathaniel removes the earbuds, putting them back in his pocket with his phone. 

“You made quite a scene outside, it’s hard to ignore.” Renee walks to him and she does a good job at avoiding to look directly at his injuries, especially considering Nathaniel can now feel blood dripping down his chin to the ground. 

“Nah, it’s easy to ignore, you just had to not come outside to find me, you just decided not to ignore it,” Nathaniel sighs. He can’t help but look above her shoulders to the main street. There isn’t anyone there; Andrew is working, then. “I was going back home, it’s fine,” he adds, unwilling to spend more time there.

Shaking her head, she reaches behind Nathaniel’s neck to pull the hood of his jacket on his head. It will probably hide a bit of the mess he has made out of his face, she knows he doesn’t want someone else to notice. 

“Let me come with you, then? Andrew invited me over to sleep, I work early tomorrow,” she attempts even if Nathaniel doubts his roommate invited her over. She does have a small coffee place beside their building, though, and Andrew would not care if she decided to take their couch for the night. It’s not like it didn’t happen before.

“I’m-,” he starts, but before he continues, the back door beside them opens and Andrew comes out, an unlit cigarette between his lips and his jacket over his shoulder. 

“Is he about to say he’s fine?” Andrew asks with a raised eyebrow, using his free hand to light up his cancer stick. Getting closer to them, he blows smoke in Nathaniel’s face as he looks at the mess. “You’re dripping, don’t let a single drop hit the carpet at home or I’ll make you lick it.”

Nathaniel huffs, but now that he thinks about it, he isn’t against the distraction Renee and Andrew are providing. “It’s not 2:30 yet, so go back to work and leave me alone.” Nathaniel hates when these two thinks he needs help or something.

He’s not worth the effort. The person who is supposed to care about him doesn’t, so why would others do? It doesn’t make sense.

Andrew leans back and without warning, kicks Nathaniel’s shin hard, enough so that the latter groans and goes to one of his knees to grab his leg. Fuck, it hurts. Is Andrew wearing metal plates on his boots or what?

“Oh Neil, seems like you need help to walk,” Andrew says, looking every bit bored by it, and Renee sighs beside him, not approving of her friend’s tactics. 

“We are all going there, let’s go together. Alright, Neil?” Renee insists, helping him up again. 

Sometimes, when he feels like a failure, it helps to have them call him Neil. It’s a nickname he got when going to university, where he met Andrew and the others: it was his bubble outside of Riko, Kevin and Jean. 

Surprisingly enough, when the time came for Nathaniel to choose his university, Riko didn’t tell him to pick the same one as him. He also didn’t make him pick the same major as him, even though he always mentioned Nathaniel should work for his company later on. Sure, he commented on Nathaniel’s field - translation- a lot in a negative way, but in the end he managed to graduate and find a job in another city, managing his life alone for the first time.

Even though he lived with Riko, Kevin and Jean from childhood to late teenage years, it has been refreshing the moment he managed to step away from all the pressure being with them had put on his shoulders. Jean had always been the safe space, the person to go to when Nathaniel felt stressed out; after all, Jean understood how it was to be someone living with them but not part of the family. Not part of anything.

In the end, he might have ended up with Riko, but Jean is the only one Nathaniel gave his middle name to. When they were alone, Jean never called him Nathaniel, only referring to him as Abram. Now that they didn’t live together anymore, except for Kevin and Riko, Jean only referred to him as Abram.

They text a lot. 

The way Jean started calling Abram had been natural, something years of trust made happen.

How Andrew got him Neil as a nickname was everything but that.

_It felt exciting and unnerving to be at a party alone, no one he grew up with to shield him from others. Nathaniel thought he could get high from that feeling, something akin to freedom. Something he never tasted._

_He wasn’t sure how he ended up sitting on a random couch in one of the dorm rooms in his residence, a glass of something awfully strong in his hands, but he didn’t complain._

_People were dancing around him. Some of the students in his class tried to talk to him over the loud music, and Nathaniel just enjoyed the feeling._

_It was only late at night that Andrew had found his way beside Nathaniel, and the look he had given him had left him puzzled. Andrew had manic eyes at that time. It’s only later that Nathaniel learned of Andrew’s pills, which he stopped taking 3 months after they met._

_“What is your name?” Andrew had shouted on top of the music, but he was already looking away when Nathaniel answered._

_“Neil?” Andrew replied after, and Nathaniel was unsure if he truly misheard or if he was trying to be annoying._

_Nicky had come at that moment, searching for his cousin. “Stop trying to flee, we’re trying to start a game!” The Hispanic man had then looked at Nathaniel, an easy smile finding his lips. “Oh! Did you make a friend? We need one more player.”_

_Andrew had seemed on the verge of getting up and leaving, but then he settled back and gave another good look in the new guy’s direction. “Hmmm, fine! It’s Neil, come on, Neil, you don’t want to make them wait.”_

_Nicky didn’t need more to grab Nathaniel by the arms to bring him to the others - 3 girls that he learned were called Dan, Renee and Allison, plus 2 guys, Matt and a dude identical to Andrew called Aaron - to play a weird game he had never heard of, but involved a lot of drinking. “Hey! Neil is going to play with us.”_

_No matter how Andrew kept denying it to this day, Nathaniel is sure the satisfied smile he had at that time was proof he called him Neil on purpose._

_Yet, Nathaniel never asked the others to call him anything else and never questioned himself to understand why he didn’t._

_He also never asked Andrew why he suddenly decided to bring Nathaniel to his group of friends, but Nathaniel never regretted that he did._

_Some stuff was better left unanswered._

Mind coming back to the present, Nathaniel groans and raises his head with a sigh. He’s coming down from the adrenaline and he can’t avoid the pain anymore, not that he deserved the bruise he’s certain to see flourish on his shin the next day. “Fine, let’s go home.”

***

Andrew didn’t let Nathaniel sit in his car until the back seat was covered with a random blanket he had in the trunk. The drive home makes him slightly nauseous, and Nathaniel tells himself it’s because he isn’t used to sitting at the back of the car anymore, but it might also be from the hits he got to the head. 

When they get home, it isn’t long for Andrew to change his bedsheets and lend his room to Renee. Since she usually uses the couch, Nathaniel knows it means Andrew probably wants to use their living room to help clean his injuries, but he doesn’t feel like it. The weight of his phone in his pocket is heavy, he just wants to throw it in a corner of his room and forget about it for a little while. 

Before his roommate is done with Renee, Nathaniel gets to his room and closes the door behind him, hoping this might give a clue to Andrew. Unwilling to be blinded by the light, he doesn’t turn on the room light but goes to turn on the lamp on his nightstand instead.

Even without looking in the mirror, he knows what he must look like; it isn't the first time he gets into a fight, his cheek is already feeling swollen and dry blood cracks when he moves his jaw. 

With a sigh, Nathaniel removes his shirt, ache settling in his limbs, and finally moves in front of the mirror. As usual, his scarred self isn’t what he would call pretty, but he’s used to the sight of it. Many gifts from his father. What catches his attention is the red patches on his left ribs and his right hip: they are dark enough to hold the promise of deep bruises soon. It will hurt for a few days at least, and Nathaniel hates himself for the satisfaction that this knowledge brings him.

If these aren't the easiest to make Riko notice if they don’t have sex, the inch-long cut on his cheekbone is hard to ignore. The guy he fought with had rings on his fingers. From the soreness of his jaw, he supposes that there are more bruises under all the dry blood, and he presses a few times, shivering at the waves of pain. 

There is a silent knock on his door, yet Nathaniel doesn’t go answer it, hoping for Andrew to leave him alone. Which, of course, doesn’t happen as his roommate opens the door while Nathaniel puts a shirt on, leaning against the doorframe with a stern look.

With a snap of his fingers in the living room direction, Andrew says, “Don’t think I’ll let you go to bed like that.” The blond man doesn’t wait for him before heading out, knowing Nathaniel will follow him. 

Groaning, Nathaniel does follow Andrew to the living room, unsurprised when he notices the first aid kit on the coffee table. It became quickly obvious they would need one when they decided to become roommates; it’s not as if Nathaniel always tries to get into fights, but when he does, he rarely goes into it with half measures. 

It’s also not like Andrew doesn’t use it too. After all, he often goes to the local boxing gym with or without Renee. Nathaniel thinks it’s to release some of the pent up energy Andrew doesn’t know what to do with, but it’s isn’t something his roommate will ever agree with.

“It’s for self-defense, Neil. Some people aren’t trying to find a fight at every corner like a certain someone, some people just prefer to be ready when it happens, and nothing more.”

Both seated on the couch, Nathaniel doesn’t expect Andrew to help him out - he brought their small mirror on stand out - so he gets to work, picking up the cleaning gauze and balms. He doesn’t have to think when he does that, he’s good at patching himself up; he did it often in the past and he’ll continue to do it in the future. 

Andrew doesn’t say much, keeping a distracted eye on him as he slowly goes through a cigarette. Once Nathaniel is done cleaning up the dry blood, trying his best to keep a straight face at the sting that comes from the cut on his cheekbone, Andrew finally moves. Without hurrying, he picks up Nathaniel’s chin between his fingers and takes a good look at the fresh injuries. 

“It needs stitches,” he comments matter-of-factly, putting down the butt of his cigarette in the black ashtray they keep on the coffee table. Without more words, the blond guy gets up and goes to wash his hands in the kitchen.

Nathaniel sighs, and wonders if this will scar him too. It’s not like one more or one less changes something at that point though. Riko will be forced to say something, not just because it’s on his face but because it’s not just a bruise. 

It dawns on Nathaniel that Andrew didn’t ask how or why he got into a fight, or why he was beside his job at 1 am when the walk to get there takes a minimum of an hour at a fast pace. 

_It’s because he doesn’t care, you’re just being a bother again. Damn, you’re miserable._

“I can do it myself,” Nathaniel says, looking straight at the first aid kit when Andrew cuts the faucet. Even without looking at him, Nathaniel can feel Andrew’s glare on him.

Instead of answering him, his roommate gets at his side and asks instead, “Do you have any other cuts?” 

“What?” Nathaniel asks, frowning. Usually people - Riko - don’t care about what they can’t see. He must be staring weirdly at Andrew because the latter rolls his eyes.

“What?” Andrew repeats, making sure to make it sounds dumb, because maybe this is really how Nathaniel sounded. “You’re stupid, I don’t know why I help you.” His hand moves back to the first aid kit, picking up what he needs to stitch the skin back together.

“I don’t know either.” The worst part is that it’s totally honest, and after a minute he realises he hasn’t answered. “No, it’s fine, only the cheek.” Knowing what is coming, Nathaniel gets up to get some of the whiskey and tequila they keep in the living room bookcase. Two shot glasses in hand, he filled one with whiskey for Andrew and one with tequila for himself, which he downs immediately. After three of them for himself, Andrew is waiting patiently to start working on his cheek. 

He never commented on how Nathaniel dealt with his injuries, and since Andrew isn’t a fan of hospitals either, he never tried to change it. 

Slowly and with steady hands - Nathaniel wonders if Andrew is ever anything else than steady - Andrew pokes the needle through the skin. The pain is a familiar one, but nonetheless, it isn’t the type Nathaniel welcomes with open arms. He closes his hands on his thighs and closes his eyes, willing himself to stay still. 

It doesn’t take long to close up, the cut not being that long. Uncaring about hygiene further than that, the needle and the bloody gauze are thrown in the living room trash can and Andrew finally reaches for his own shot, downing it before pouring himself a second one. 

He doesn’t thank Andrew, knowing full well he doesn’t want to be thanked for it.  
They don’t talk for a bit, Nathaniel focusing on the way his cheek is pulsing with the rhythm of his heart. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, they rarely feel the need to fill time with a conversation if they have nothing to talk about. It’s one thing Nathaniel found comforting with Andrew, not that he would ever admit it, but he never really felt like he had anything to prove to his roommate. Unlike everyone else in his life.

_You’re worthless as a son. The Moriyamas want you at the second son’s side, and that’s what you’re going to do._

_Why would I have to be nice to you? You’re simply here as a dog._

_You should stay silent near Riko, less chance for him to get mad at you._

_Can you do anything besides get us in trouble?_

He pours himself another drink and swallows it so fast he almost starts coughing at the burn in his throat, his eyes filling with water. If Nathaniel didn’t know better, he would think Andrew’s eyes are filled with something similar to amusement.

Yet, he seems to see something else in Nathaniel because he gets up from his spot to retrieve the two PS4 controllers they own, a gift from Matt. “Choose something,” Andrew says, throwing the controllers on the couch before heading to the kitchen.

In all honesty, the injured man is tired, his body screaming in protest and his mind a jumbled mess of repetitive thoughts. Even so, he picks up the controller and chooses to continue their Overcooked 2 campaign, weirdly grateful. Would he even be able to sleep anyway? Wouldn’t he just turn and turn in his bed, pressing where bruises promised to bloom, wondering when Riko would answer his message?

Yeah.

Andrew comes back with a bowl of chips and two beers. After putting them on the coffee table, he brings it against the couch, forcing Nathaniel to raise his legs. Then Andrew settles down beside him with crossed legs and a look that challenges him to complain. Instead, he picks up the beer that was left on his side and takes a sip of it.

“I’m taking the octopus chef,” Nathaniel says cheerfully, slowly feeling his body relax with the buzz of alcohol and pain.

Andrew picks up the wolf one and sighs, “Yes, Neil. Have fun with your dumb tentacle jokes.”

And without shame, Nathaniel answers, “I totally will, thanks for your concern.” Out of habit, he manages to avoid the single pillow on the couch that Andrew throws at his head. It crashes against the fake plants they keep suspended on their wall, and they both watch the pot swing and lose some of its soil. They shrug in unison and start stage 5-5.

They play for a little until Nathaniel’s eyes can’t focus on the television anymore and they keep messing up the stage, unable to reach the 3 stars they usually aim for. A quick glance at the clock tells him it’s past 4 a.m. now.

After stretching and yawning openly, Nathaniel gets up with a small, “Tired, going to bed.” He doesn’t want to wait and gets his second wind, hoping to be able to fall asleep quickly like that. 

Andrew gives him a simple two-fingers salute as Nathaniel heads to his room, knowing the other will take care of cleaning up or leave it for him the next day. Before he can close the door to his room Andrew’s voice raises from the living room, calm and clear.

“Don’t let him get so much into your head next time, it’s definitely not worth it.”

His body freezes, and his cheek starts pulsing again. Of course, of course, Andrew connected the dots. 

Unwilling to get in this conversation, Nathaniel closes the door behind him and after changing quickly, he gets into bed and closes his eyes.

It might not be worth it, but he doesn’t know better. He wants it, and it doesn’t seem like it’s ready to change.

***

“You have to attend the annual company party in a few days with me and this is what you do?” Riko spits at his face a few days later, grabbing Nathaniel by the chin to take in the sight.

The cut got swollen, a painting of blue and purple covering a part of his cheek and jaw. It does look bad, even Nathaniel can admit it. He also totally forgot about the annual party he has to attend with Riko, which is pretty stupid on his part considering Riko stresses out about it every damn year. 

After all, he never talks to his father or his brother except on this occasion. He might work in the smaller sister company, but it doesn’t mean he ever gets acknowledged when it isn't completely necessary. Riko always makes sure some higher-ups slide good words about him to his father at the party, just to maybe get some approval on that side. It rarely works, getting approval, but it doesn’t mean Riko will not try again and again. 

Bringing the son of Kendo’s closest subordinate as a date is also a way to get some attention. Nathaniel is unsure if Riko would bring him without it. 

Which is fine, really, it’s not like Nathaniel likes these events. Being raised with Kevin and Riko by Tetsuji meant attending such events more often than he liked, and Riko knows this. So Nathaniel tells himself that’s why Riko never asks for him to come to the other events he goes to.

Sometimes, he wonders why he’s such a sucker for these lies. 

“Don’t act like it will bother your father, my father rarely looks pristine,” Nathaniel barks back, pushing Riko’s hand away from his face. He turns around to pick a glass from the cabinet. It’s a good thing Andrew isn’t here, he rarely tolerates Riko under his roof. 

The only reason Riko showed up in the middle of the week is to bring the suit he wants Nathaniel to wear. 

“Your father knows to keep it off his face most of the time, he also doesn’t get into fights for no reason,” Riko answers harshly, discarding the outfit on the back of the couch, coming back to the kitchen right after. 

“No reason, uh,” Nathaniel mutters under his breath, rubbing at his eyes. They hurt; he’s spent the day staring at a screen for his translating job. “A girl was being harassed, that’s a pretty good reason I think, personally.” This isn’t what the real reason was, well at first at least, but Riko doesn’t need to know that. “You didn’t even ask why I ended up like that, so you have nothing to say,” Nathaniel adds, bitter that Riko mentioned the injuries just because of his damn party.

Unimpressed, his boyfriend gives him a disgusted glare. “Who cares about some random woman getting harassed? It’s none of your business.”

Deeply bothered by this answer, Nathaniel slams his glass on the kitchen counter, glaring back at Riko. He thinks he feels cracks forming in the glass. “Not everybody is selfish as hell like you!” Yet, maybe Nathaniel’s words don’t hold that much truth considering he got in a fight for completely selfish reasons, and he’s getting mad for more selfish reasons. 

He just wants Riko to be worried for him, he wants Riko to be mad at him for the fight _because he doesn’t want him hurt_. Not because he wants his face looking pretty to get his father’s attention.

With a huff, Riko walks to him and pokes at his chest strongly. “Sure, Nathaniel Wesninski, as if you aren’t. Stop being weak for once, would you?” 

“Stop being an asshole for once, would you,” the injured man answers in the same tone, feeling violence creeps in his limbs. It shouldn’t be like this, it shouldn’t be so complicated.

Once upon a time, when they were both university students meeting for the weekend, they would wake up in the same bed smiling at each other while bitching about whatever Kevin had said the previous day. They were both unused to it but there had been some care and affection. Now they basically fuck and have angry make-out sessions, never waking up in the same bed anymore and rarely talking about anything that wasn’t practical or workrelated. 

Nathaniel knows how reaching for his father’s approval, reaching for a glance from his blood brother, has twisted Riko further, so much that the young guy he grew up with long ago stopped feeling anything innocent. Everything is calculated, everything he does, he does for a reason. 

Even Kevin is growing tired of it; he’s about to move out to go live with Jean instead. He asked for a work transfer just for that, and Nathaniel doesn’t know what excuse he gave Riko.

Nathaniel can’t say it seems to affect Riko at all. 

His feelings are hard to reach out for at the moment, it’s as if he’s growing colder and colder the more they talk. Maybe if it lasts long enough, Nathaniel won’t know how to get warmer again. 

It doesn’t seem to be far away from happening.

In a vicious move, Riko reaches for the injured cheek, pressing his fingers firmly against it. Out of surprise, Nathaniel is unable to hold back the way his body flinches, but he tames his facial expression to neutrality.

The fingertips against the bruises are burning, but the one against the cut almost brings tears to his eyes. 

“Very mature,” Nathaniel says, not even reaching for Riko to stop, taking the pain in to ground himself.

And then, before Riko can answer anything, the entrance door opens, creaking loudly. They should lubricate the hinges, they could buy some Jig-a-loo. Nathaniel finds the name funny and Andrew said they needed some stuff at the local hardware store. It’s such a trivial thought to have at that moment, that an unhinged smile cracks his lips.

It’s ridiculous.

The entrance being connected to the kitchen, it doesn't even take a minute for Andrew to notice them standing like that. Riko is surprised enough that he still has his hand against Nathaniel’s face. The familiar hazel eyes are cold and unwavering, but Nathaniel thinks he can see something murderous in them.

“Always a pleasure to find you practicing domestic abuse in my home, Riko,” Andrew says cooly, putting down the backpack he usually brings with him when training with Renee. Without removing his boots, he walks into the kitchen, eyes landing on the Japanese man’s hand. “You might want to stop doing whatever you’re doing.”

Nathaniel frowns at the domestic abuse part, judgmentally thinking that he isn’t some abused woman, yet he doesn’t comment aloud as he finally pushes Riko’s hand away. 

“It’s fine, Andrew,” Nathaniel says finally, tired of the glaring contest between his boyfriend and his friend. He places himself in front of Andrew, showing him his cheek, “See? It’s fine, it’s the same as earlier.”

It takes Andrew a few seconds before he brings his eyes on Nathaniel instead of Riko, taking in the sight of the injuries. “I wouldn’t call it fine just because you can’t see the physical signs, Neil.” He emphasizes the nickname, glancing at Riko for a second. 

Nathaniel frowns at that.

“I was leaving, anyway,” Riko says between his teeth after a few seconds, bumping shoulders with Andrew on his way to the door, not giving more attention to his boyfriend. 

It’s only when he has his shoes on that he tells him, “You better find a way to look presentable Friday.” Riko doesn’t add the _or else_ but Nathaniel hears it loud and clear. Unable to clear his mind, Nathaniel doesn’t say anything, knowing he might regret his words later. I don’t have to do everything in my power to help your fucking daddy complex.

“Maybe I’ll find him something worth doing on Friday, wouldn’t be hard to beat whatever you bring him out for,” Andrew replies, turning around to face Riko and partly hide his roommate from him.

“Stay out of it, Doe,” Riko answers brutally, before slamming the door behind him.

It’s as if his energy leaves him after that, as if his day at work hasn’t been tiring enough already, and now Nathaniel feels like going directly to bed. Or running, he took a liking to it recently. 

“Stop fighting with him each time,” Nathaniel mumbles after a little bit, Andrew hasn’t turned back toward him, so he takes the opportunity to let his head fall on the large shoulder blade. It’s comfortable. Andrew tenses slightly, but he doesn’t push his roommate away.

“Then make sure we don’t meet anymore,” Andrew answers, and Nathaniel is sure there is more to his words than simply not bringing Riko here anymore.

***

Nathaniel slowly smiles and buries his face in the dark hair on top of Riko’s head. 

The afternoon before the company party, his boyfriend texted him nervously, which prompted Nathaniel to dress up in advance, ditch work and head there. An hour later, Riko had opened the door of his sumptuous apartment and with a quick look down Nathaniel’s body, didn’t hesitate to grab him to pull him inside and undress him.

Nathaniel expects Riko to get out of bed a few minutes after they are done, but surprisingly he doesn’t. He can’t remember the last time they took some time to just stay in bed and talk, or more precisely, when Riko took some time to ask him questions about work and his life in general. 

“Hm, work is fine, it pays the bills,” Nathaniel answers slowly. He doesn’t give him the rundown in fear Riko gets bored by it and interrupts him. It’s starting to become more and more painful when it happens.

It’s fine, anyway, Andrew always listens to him complain after a long day. 

Uh.

Thinking about Andrew right now is weird and Nathaniel feels something akin to guilt in the pit of his stomach. 

Uh.

“You should join my branch, we are looking for a translator,” Riko comments, finally moving away from Nathaniel to get up. The latter tries not to feel too empty when it happens, because they should truly get ready for the night. 

And work for the Moriyamas like my father? he thinks, no thanks. Instead, he replies, “I will think about it, but you know it doesn’t really interest me.”

The Japanese man picks up the suit he took the time to hang even after undressing Nathaniel and puts it on the bed beside his boyfriend in a clear order to get up, head to the bathroom, shower and get ready. He seems annoyed by the answer.

“It would pay better.”

“I have enough,” Nathaniel says, sighing a bit, because he just wants to go back to the good feeling he had a few seconds ago. He tries his best to push away his thoughts, but a small voice at the back of his head reminds him that Riko never truly cared that his boyfriend had, unlike himself, to share an apartment with someone else to live.

Riko gives him a look, but Nathaniel ignores it, picking up his clothes. Having sex with someone uncaring of his injuries left him tense, skin and muscles painful, but he holds back a groan, knowing to not show pain in front of the other when possible. 

After that, they get ready in silence, heading to the bathroom. Nathaniel takes Riko’s help when it comes to his bowtie and his hair. Deeply, he knows it’s just because Riko wants him to look good for the others, but he will take it.

Ah.

 _“Smile Neil,”_ he tells himself. _“Smile and be pretty, it’s fine, you’re fine with it. As long as you get the good parts.”_

He doesn’t know when he started calling himself Neil in his mental speeches, but he knows it’s the only light he can see in how useless he’s feeling right now.

***

Nathaniel seriously thinks it is going well for a while, because Riko keeps him close to him and pays him attention in a way he hasn’t in a while. It might be because he’s the son of his father’s closest associate, but Nathaniel is ready to take it.

He’s always ready to take so much.

He’s unsure when that woman made his way to their table, but recognition is instant the moment she sits beside Riko, leaning closer. She’s the new young associate his father chose to replace him when after he’s gone, and he is as cold-blooded as him, from what his mother told him on one of their rare phone calls. She warned him to avoid her at all cost. Her burgundy lipstick is dark in comparison to her white teeth, and suddenly Riko only has eyes for it.

The flirting could have been subtle to anyone else; after all, Riko isn’t one to openly flirt or show affection, but Nathaniel knows everything about it. He has spent so many years in Riko’s shadow, he probably knows every flinch of his body more than his boyfriend himself does.

Uncomfortable, Nathaniel gets up from his place, excusing himself from the table to go to the bathroom, unworthy of a single answer from Riko. The woman, Bethany, raises her eyes to him and the shadow of a smirk covers her lips, but soon enough she brings back her attention to the man sitting in front of her.

Instead of going to the bathroom, his feet bring him to the reception door and unable to hold himself back. Nathaniel ends up outside, taking rapid, deep breaths.

No matter how often he knows he is being the stupidest man alive, Nathaniel isn’t dumb enough to not know what is happening there. It would explain why Riko has been distant, it would explain why Nathaniel has felt strongly like all of this was nothing for a while now.

Riko is finding himself a new pet, someone closer to his father, someone that would bring him more recognition. Even with all his efforts to get away from it, Nathaniel knows the game, that this is what it is. 

His cellphone buzzes in his pocket and funnily enough, it brings back to his mind Andrew’s words a few days earlier.

_“Don’t let him get so much into your head next time, it’s not worth it.”_

Nathaniel has known for years now that it isn’t worth it. That’s why he chose to live with Andrew in a completely different city. And yet, it’s just now that he realises it feels like an impossible cage to escape because if Riko doesn’t care about him, then who will. 

Breathing fast in front of the hotel’s back door where the party is being held is getting him a few weird glances, and Nathaniel is unwilling to have anyone report him to his father’s men or Riko. With shaky legs, he walks further into the garden until he reaches a small lake surrounded by pretty lights. 

Being away from the noises gets him to relax slightly, darkness surrounding him enough to soothe his nerves even if only a little. Why has he spent the whole day feeling fine, only to crumble once more now? 

“Monsters do come out at night, uh?” he mumbles to himself, sitting down in the damp grass, just noticing the drizzle outside. It’s starting to soak into his hair, probably making a mess of whatever Riko managed to do with his hair. 

Good.

Unwilling for his phone to break because of the humidity seeking inside his back pocket, Nathaniel picks it up, unsurprised to see some messages there. He busies himself with them for a moment, Matt reporting to him about the game they would have normally watched together tonight, and Renee is asking him if he’d like for her to bring his favourite lemonade from her coffee shop after work since she’s meeting with Andrew, and Jean asking is how he is, knowing full well Nathaniel is probably going to have a breakdown again.

When was the last time he met with Riko without having a meltdown right after?

He can’t remember.

_Why is he still there?_

And then, there is a single message from Andrew. From the time stamp, it seems like Andrew sent it at the beginning of the evening.

_txt me if you need a ride home  
5:23 pm_

It’s a single message that holds enough meaning in it for Nathaniel to stop breathing. 

He goes back to the main message screen, looking at all his conversations from the past week: Dan asking him if he ate anything else than fast-food, Jean threatening him to come to get him himself if he doesn’t attend the movie viewing with Kevin and Jeremy this weekend, Matt updating him with random facts about his life, Allison asking him to come to pick up clothes she bought thinking about him, Renee always offering him something comforting for the next time she visits.

And then, Andrew. Andrew’s messages are always simple things, but yet they always have a constant.

_If you aren’t ok, I will be there._

Feeling stupid all over, Nathaniel can’t help the desperate laugh that escapes his mouth. He brings his knees against his chest, burying his face in his arms, waiting for the laugh to stop.

_Who would care, he asked himself._

_Who?_

Maybe Andrew is right when he tells his roommate he needs glasses.

It takes him a few minutes but he finally opens Andrew’s conversation once more, typing his reply.

_it’s so much easier to be neil  
9:57 pm_

He doesn’t expect a quick answer from his friend, Andrew being notorious for not checking on his phone for hours. And yet, it only takes him a few minutes to.

_then be neil  
10:05 pm_

Biting his lower lip, Nathaniel presses the first word then waits, and meanwhile Andrew sends him another message.

_nobody can choose that for you  
10:08 pm_

With a sigh, relief filling his chest slowly, he answers.

_can it be that simple?  
10:10 pm_

The reply is almost instant.

_try to figure that out. im coming to get you, be ready.  
10:11 pm_

Yeah, he’d like that. He doesn’t want to have anything to do here anymore.

_i’m wet, im outside.  
10:11 pm_

With the next answer, Nathaniel can almost feel Andrew rolling his eyes and picking up one of the blankets in the trunk of the car.

_worse than a dog  
10:12 pm_

For the first time in the evening, Nathaniel smiles genuinely.

_woof  
10:12 pm_

He knows Andrew won’t answer this so he waits, calculating how long it will take his roommate to get there. 

One last glance at his phone tells him Riko didn’t message him to know where he went, and the pain it brings him is familiar but Nathaniel knows monsters are out at night.

He will feel better tomorrow morning.

If not better, he hopes it will feel numb.

He thinks it might come to that this time.

***

The car is silent for a while. Andrew texted Nathaniel to tell him he was there and sure enough, a beach towel was waiting for him on the front seat. 

The ride back home takes about an hour, so he makes himself comfortable, forehead against the window to rest his head. By that point, he is shivering, finally realising how cold he ended up being out there in the soft rain. 

Before he can reach for the heating himself, Andrew must notice his shivering friend because he cranks it up even if he must not be cold himself. The warmth that hits his face is welcome and for the first time, Nathaniel reminds himself that it’s because Andrew, somewhere, cares for him.

It’s nice.

Maybe he should have tried thinking like that a few years ago.

It takes a bit over 30 minutes for Andrew to finally talk, when they just crossed the sign welcoming them to their city, but they live on the other side of it and Friday’s evenings are always heavy traffic. 

“Is it the last time?” he says simply, and Nathaniel can hear the familiar sound of Andrew lighting up a cigarette. 

He doesn’t need to look over him to know the way his lips thin around the stick or the way his mouth round up when he releases smoke. He might have noticed for a while now. 

Nathaniel isn’t sure why everything hits him tonight.

If the answer isn’t an easy one to give, it certainly isn’t an easy one to accept and believe. Yet, Nathaniel hopes he can believe it soon.

“I think so,” he says, finally moving his head from the window to observe Andrew’s side profile. 

He thinks his roommate deserves to say something like it was fucking time, idiot but the words do not come; he barely glances toward Nathaniel to acknowledge the answer. Maybe he knows that a decision taken like this at night cannot be fully trusted.

Maybe there is just nothing to say.

Maybe he thinks it’s nice that he won’t have to find his friend trying to pick up his own pieces every week, new gashes and bruises covering his body.

Nathaniel doesn’t know for sure.

That’s fine too, he needs to believe it himself first, so he can also take his time to convince Andrew. 

They don’t exchange more words until they are a few blocks away, Nathaniel being slowly lulled to sleep by the familiar roaring of the engine. It’s a small bump that gets him out of his thoughts and makes him realise he closed his eyes. 

Weirdly enough, he was remembering that time near the end of their university years when they were out at Eden’s and Nathaniel had asked Andrew why he suddenly decided to bring him into his gang at a random beginning of the year party years ago. His friend had answered, looking straight in his eyes, _“Because even if you looked about to jolt and bolt, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have blown you.”_

In a relationship at the time, Nathaniel hadn’t thought about it more than that, but now he wonders. “Hey, Andrew.” And when he hums to acknowledge it, Nathaniel asks, “Would you still blow me?” 

It’s been years, they had drank a lot that night, and he isn’t even sure Andrew remembers it. Well, at the same time, Andrew always remembers everything Nathaniel seems to forget. 

They finally find a parking spot in front of their apartment complex, and the blond man waits until he’s parked to look at Nathaniel. The latter didn’t realise he had started fidgeting with one of the gashes on his hand until Andrew put his own on it.

“Yes, but not tonight,” he answers finally, making sure to push Nathaniel’s hand away so he isn’t hurting himself again. 

Oh.

It’s fine, he’s used to getting rejected. Maybe he didn’t read this well.

Whatever Andrew sees on his face doesn’t seem to suit him well, because he frowns and heavily sighs. “I’m not going to be your rebound and help your self-destructive tendencies, Neil. Once you have your shit together, sure, not before.”

_Oh._

“Oh,” he repeats aloud, unsure of his feelings on the matter.

Once he has his shit together, uh?

That sure sounds nice.

“Come on, you’re freezing, you need a bath,” Andrew comments, before climbing out of the car and walking in the apartment’s direction without looking back.

Looking down at himself, his humid clothes and the goosebumps on his arms, he thinks that he might indeed need a bath.

Drinking too would be nice, and playing games.

Now that he thinks about it properly, that’s probably what Andrew is planning for their night.

Nathaniel gets out of the car, heart heavy in his chest, a panic attack on the verge of taking him over, and his head full of jumbling thoughts, but he also thinks that it can be fine.

The real _fine_ this time.

***

It takes a few days for it all to sink in fully, how he doesn’t plan to go back to Riko as anything else than someone he grew up with anymore. It’s not like Nathaniel would be allowed to push Riko out of his life completely since he’s supposed to keep an eye on him, family stuff, you see, but he can decide for himself what their relationship is like.

Kevin called him the evening he decided to finally tell Riko he didn’t expect anything out of him anymore, that he could go and do whatever he wanted with Bethany for all he cared. Kevin said Riko hadn’t reacted as well as Nathaniel thought he would, even breaking some stuff in their shared apartment.

Kevin had sounded tired, but Nathaniel didn’t find it in him to care more than that. If anything, Kevin is moving out soon and can manage himself properly. 

He has always been good at that, pushing forward and forward without looking back.

With the knowledge of Riko’s reaction still on his mind, Nathaniel can feel the unwanted tension building in his body. His bruises are way better, his skin healing well, and now he craves them back, feeling as if he’s going to implode without an outlet.

The moment he gets up from the couch to head outside, Andrew enters the living room, his backpack on his shoulder. Oh, he’s probably going to train. 

The look his roommate gives him is unnerving, it’s as if he can see through Nathaniel and figure out every one of his thoughts. It wouldn’t be that surprising if he could.

“If you aren’t working, go get your stuff and let’s go,” Andrew tells him, not a question and not quite an order either. At that moment, Nathaniel knows that Andrew will not let him alone now, not after what he saw in his eyes.

It’s been a while since he went boxing with Andrew, it might not be a bad idea after all. It’s a fight, it’s what he wants, but it is a controlled fight.

Andrew knows he’s giving Nathaniel’s self-destructive tendencies a healthier escape. “Didn’t you say they don’t allow people without a subscription at that time of the day?” It’s not quite 2 p.m. yet, and the afternoon at the local boxing gym is reserved for the regulars, people who don’t want to deal with the wave of workers at the end of the day. 

Andrew leans against the couch, picking up his cigarette pack from his pocket to play with the lid. His stare is unimpressed as he raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think I stuttered,” he answers, and Nathaniel knows Andrew wouldn’t ask him if he didn’t think he could get him in.

“Fine.” He heads to his bedroom picking up some gym clothes, his reusable water bottle and shoes. The shoes are starting to smell bad from all the early morning runs he does, stepping in puddles of water to avoid the cars in the street. He should buy something for it. For now, he just shrugs, shoving them in his duffel bag. 

The bag is bright orange, a gift from Matt when he got tired of seeing Nathaniel bring his clothes in a plastic bag to the gym when he invited him. When he asked him why bright orange, Matt said it’s because he wanted to be sure he would be able to spot him if Nathaniel tried to sneak away.

Nathaniel didn’t find it in him to argue at that time, finding the argument pretty reasonable.

As always, when Andrew sees the bag he makes a face, and Nathaniel loves once more that it’s obnoxious enough to make him react.

“I can find you one if you want,” he says teasing, wiggling his eyebrows at Andrew. 

“So I can choke you with it? Sure,” is the answer, as Andrew gets in the entrance, putting his jacket and shoes on, key ring around one of his fingers.

Nathaniel follows him with a small amused smile on his lips as they step outside their place, letting him lock the door behind them. He already feels better, he isn’t exactly fine, but being with Andrew makes it so much easier for him to breathe.

He can’t help but look at Andrew’s side profile and wonder, once more, how he missed that? How did he even miss all the little attentions Andrew has for him? How didn’t he notice how easily Andrew could understand him compared to Riko? How didn’t he notice how everything felt better and nicer when he’s with Andrew?

Lost in his thoughts, Andrew catches him staring, so he reaches for Nathaniel’s face, pushing it away slowly. “Stop looking at me like that,” and there is something in his voice that Nathaniel is unsure of, a tone he doesn’t usually hear Andrew use.

He wonders how he has been looking at Andrew.

“Let’s go,” the blond man says, removing his hand and leaving him behind as he walks away in the dirty alleyway. The building caretaker should come by to clean more often; everything smells like old dust.

“Yeah yeah,” he answers, following him.

He isn’t fine yet, but maybe it isn’t that far.

***

It happens more often and more often, Andrew bringing Nathaniel to the gym when he seems restless and on the verge of bolting away. Some nights when Riko texts him to try to pull back together something that shouldn’t be, Andrew brings him to Eden’s Twilight and makes him sit close to the bar where he works to keep an eye on him, often calling Renee to join and keep him company. 

His face gets pushed more and more often with the demand that he stops looking at his roommate that way. Nathaniel doesn’t think he can stop anymore.

In many ways, Andrew feels like a light at the end of a long dark tunnel, or maybe a light that has kept him company to the end of the tunnel, until he was ready for more.

He thinks that he always noticed, somewhere at the back of his mind, the way Andrew could be there for him. A shoulder to lean on in times of need, and damn, what a shoulder to lean on it is. 

And yet, the only thing Nathaniel had been thinking about was work, hanging out with friends and getting Riko to notice him. To be fair, the last part has been drilled into his head since he was young; he’d needed it to survive after all.

Riko’s approval has always been a constant in his life, something to achieve and to keep. 

And after a month and a half, Nathaniel thinks that maybe this is something he can go on without, something that isn’t as important anymore.

After all, he has friends, people who truly care for him and decided to keep him in their life of their own volition. Because he can finally see that Riko’s approval isn’t the only attention he gets and that maybe the attention he got from his friends has always been more sincere and healthier.

It isn’t something easy to think every day, but Andrew is there, like always. Ready to catch him if he falls, especially at night, when his thoughts get overwhelming and they end up in Andrew’s bed watching movies on his laptop until he falls asleep, cheek against the large shoulder.

Plus, he also has Jean who texts him every day to make sure he doesn’t contact Riko or didn’t get killed somewhere in a dark alley. 

Everything feels easier every day, breathing and being Neil. Andrew keeps telling him it’s perfectly fine to be Neil and forget about Nathaniel’s past, and the more he’s thinking about it, the more he thinks, maybe, that could be his real name one day.

When everything feels like it can be behind him, he’d like that, he thinks. 

It is something for himself and himself only to decide on. 

Nathaniel jumps when Andrew taps his shoulder, looking at him weirdly. He hadn’t realised he had been staring in the void for the past minutes, lost in his thoughts. It had been a rough day at work, too many deadlines to meet in too little time. 

“What are you thinking about?” Andrew doesn’t often ask, he doesn’t think it’s any of his business if he can’t see it himself in the creases of Nathaniel’s face.

“About my name, just wondering how hard it would be to change it officially,” he says after a few seconds, picking up Andrew’s hand to get the pack of cigarettes there. He steals one and puts it between his lips expectantly. 

Even with the unimpressed face Andrew pulls, he still reaches in his pocket for the lighter and lits up the cigarette between his lips. Sometimes, or most of the time, Nathaniel does it only to see the way Andrew’s eyes look down at his lips when he takes a drag. 

He isn’t sure when he started to notice it more, but he’s fine waiting to see if it stays.

Andrew said he didn’t want to be a rebound and Nathaniel is adamant not to let him be. 

If it’s going to be a thing, then it’s going to be a thing because it’s supposed to be. Not because Nathaniel is searching for an escape. 

He owns it to Andrew, he thinks.

_“I think you helped him. It wasn’t easy for a while, Neil. But when you crashed into our gang, he started to talk with everyone more, just a bit, but that was enough, and I think that helping you through stuff gave him a reason to be there. If there is one thing positive about it, it’s probably that. Don’t you think?” Nicky had told him over the phone, and Nathaniel thought that it probably was worth it then._

He owed Andrew a lot.

“It’s not that hard, you pay money, you give them your new name and you walk away with a shiny piece of paper,” Andrew answers him, as if changing his name for the one Andrew gave him isn’t a big deal.

Perhaps he doesn’t want his friend to make a big deal out of it.

He shrugs. “I suppose it isn’t complicated then.” Giving him a good once-over, Nathaniel asks, “Are you working tonight? I thought Wednesday was an off day.”

“Someone called in sick, I’m going to replace her for the rest of the evening.” He raises an eyebrow as a question: _do you need to come?_ and Nathaniel shakes his head. He gives his unfinished cigarette to his friend, placing it safely between his lips, trying not to linger on the feeling of Andrew’s lips against his fingers, and picks up his phone to check on his messages.

“Allison asked me to go shopping with her, I refused because I’m dead on my legs, so she said we’ll shop online. I’ll go to her place.”

Andrew hums and turns around to get some sandwiches from the fridge to bring some food with him, and Nathaniel can already picture him shredding it to pieces to eat it. He has always done that as far as he remembers.

Nathaniel gets up from his chair to follow him in the entrance, totally not enjoying his roommate’s ass as he leans to tie his Doc Martens. He picks up the car keys and gives them to Andrew, thinking about the bus ride he’ll have to take to and back. It might be time to get a car. 

“If you’re still at Allison’s in the middle of the night, tell me, I’ll come to pick you up,” he says, knowing full well she will get Nathaniel to drink one or more bottle of wine, and that he might fall asleep on her couch and call in sick the next day; it happened often enough over the years to be a thing. 

Amused and warm inside, a new thing he got to discover now that he’s not obsessing over Riko as much, Nathaniel smirks and nods. “Yes, captain!” he answers, giving Andrew his famous two-fingers salute. 

“I despise you quite a bit,” Andrew answers, squinting at Nathaniel’s enthusiasm.

The smirk fully becomes a smile as he replies, “Yes, I know.” And yet, they both know it isn’t true, but that might be the charm behind it.

It’s impossible for him to have normal tastes in men he guesses.

***

Two months later, Andrew is on the couch playing the original Final Fantasy VII on their Ps4 when Nathaniel enters their apartment after a long day. It’s Friday night, which means that usually his roommate should be gone to meet with Renee at the boxing gym before his shift later.

It’s unusual to see him now, but Nathaniel doesn’t complain, making his way to the couch. “Aren’t you working tonight?” he asks, and perhaps, just maybe, he has a little bit of hope for their evening. 

“Roland needs me to cover his Wednesday, he’s covering my shift today,” Andrew answers without looking up at his roommate, but he does frown when he stays a little too long in front of the television, hiding a part of the game. 

Nathaniel doesn’t need more to go to his room to throw his work bag and change into some comfy sweatpants and a big hoodie that he's pretty sure he stole from Andrew’s wardrobe, and makes his way back on the couch. He leans against Andrew enough that the latter changes his position with a sigh.

Andrew ends up with his back half against the couch arm, allowing Nathaniel to find a place between his legs, back against his chest. 

This has been frequent in the past few weeks, and he doesn’t have anything to say against it. 

Nathaniel closes his eyes for a bit, thoughts empty, focusing solely on the slow breathing behind him. After a while, he finally opens his eyes to look up at Andrew’s face, and even if he doesn’t look down Nathaniel knows he notices him.

Still, Andrew doesn’t push his face away. He hasn’t in a little while now.

“Should we order tonight and stay in?” Nathaniel asks, unwilling to move so Andrew can cook them something decent and not some frozen pizza, like he would have done most nights without him. 

As an answer, Andrew picks up his phone beside his thigh and lends it to his roommate, resuming his game right after. He’s the one with the UberEats account with all their saved orders. 

It’s an easy night, and Nathaniel can’t remember a time he has been so comfortable in his life. 

Maybe it’s time now to consider it as something else than a rebound.

It certainly doesn’t feel like one. 

After ordering some Indian food, because he has been craving saag paneer all day, he moves slightly so his head is against the couch instead of on Andrew’s chest.

“If I’d say I’d like you to kiss me, what would you say?” he asks simply, a known fear finding its way inside his chest. It’s okay if he misreads the signs, he tells himself, because Andrew wouldn’t make it weird, he’s sure of it. Or at least he repeats that to himself.

Finally, for the first time since he got here, Andrew presses on the menu button to stop the game and looks at him directly. 

“I thought you wanted me to blow you,” he answers simply, and it is so unexpected that with his tense nerves, Nathaniel starts laughing for a good minute, closing his eyes with a sigh when he’s done.

“Yeah, that too, but I think a kiss would be better now that a delivery guy is coming our way,” he says teasingly, as if he isn’t on the verge of falling apart the longer it takes for Andrew to act on what he just said. 

“Are you sure, Neil?” is what Andrew asks instead of kissing him, and it’s so Andrew and full of hope that Nathaniel feels some of the stress fly away. His friend, always making sure everything is fine and that he isn’t going back into his self-destructive patterns.

“Yes, it isn’t a rebound thing, I just want it,” Nathaniel says truthfully.

And it seems like Andrew believes him this time because he picks up his chin and crashes their lips together. It isn’t a gentle kiss, but it is so Andrew that Nathaniel melts in it, forgetting about time passing or the pain that settles in his neck because of the weird position they are in. 

The hands on his body, on his face, are warm and wanting, and this is everything he wanted. Minus the pain in his neck, but he can easily deal with it. 

They probably kiss for a longer time than he thinks, because soon enough someone is knocking on their door. Andrew breaks the kiss, saliva covering his lips, which Nathaniel stares at hungrily, and without manners, he shoves his roommate on the ground.

There is the shadow of a smile on Andrew’s lips when Nathaniel looks up at him, offended, even though he’s holding back his laughter, and Andrew says, “Oh, someone is at the door, you should answer.”

And Nathaniel thinks that he wouldn’t change that moment for anything.

Maybe, this is what being truly fine is.

He can see himself get used to it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you reached this end note thank you!!! I hope you enjoyed following Nathaniel's recovery as much as I liked writing it. 
> 
> If you liked it, i'd love to hear your opinion on it! A kudos is also highly appreciated.
> 
> i'd like to say next time I'll post something lighter but idk so byyyyyyye.
> 
> You can find me here:  
> Twitter : [Lav_ende](https://twitter.com/lav_ende)  
> Tumblr : [Lav-ende](https://lav-ende.tumblr.com/)  
> 


End file.
